ENM and our Separation

02 Sep 2022

This post was written and published January 19th, 2023, but backdated to put the posts in order.

Did ENM Destroy our Marriage?

• This journey did lead to my wife, Kate, and I choosing to separate just recently (the beginning of 2023).

• Rather than viewing the journey as “ending in disaster”, though, I would say it brought us to a needed transition in our relationship in a healthy and conflict-free way.
  • It helped us address our entangled identities–to recognize who we were as individuals, what we each really value and need.
  • Our entanglement made it impossible for me to conceive of not being in a relationship with Kate.
  • Up until recently, I just didn’t exist as a person without her. The death of our relationship would be the death of me.
• It helped us come to see our incompatibilities, and how poorly our relationship was serving each of us.
• Because of this journey, our separation has been mostly conflict-free.
• We both still value and want to maintain our friendship, and do everything we can to continue to create stability for our kids.
  • ENM is allowing us to apply some unconventional techniques to this.
  • We plan to keep our home, and keep our kids in place there, and have a split schedule where one of us is there at a time.
  • We plan to have one “family night” a week, where we’re all together.
  • We hope to continue going on family adventures and vacations.
• We’re able to do this because the change in our relationship is not due to conflict, and because we are dating / intend to date only other ENM folks who are comfortable with this arrangement.

A Successful Relationship

• ENM has also taught us to look back on a relationship, and whether it was “good”, through a different lens than we might otherwise.
  • Is the measure of the success of a relationship that it ends in one partner dying?
  • Or do you measure it by what it gives to the people in it, how healthy it is, and how it helps them experience love and growth?
  • Relationships often don’t serve the people in them forever. A relationship can end, and yet still have been a success.
  • This is how we see our marriage–we were good for each other for a long time, and we did a great job at striving to love each other well.
  • But we’ve also gone through a lot of self-discovery and changes along the way, and are no longer the right partners for one another.
  • At this point, I’d say our relationship is holding each of us back rather than nurturing each other’s growth.

Relationship Transition

• Furthermore, we get to view our relationship as “transitioning” rather than “ending”. We intend to keep what works well in it, and let go of what doesn’t.
  • This is possible because ENM has taught us that relationships don’t need to be on the “relationship escalator”.
    • This describes the convention in monogamous culture that a relationship either needs to continue making progress towards long-term commitment, or else it’s not viable and should end.
    • Instead, let relationships be what you want them to be, enjoy them for what they are, and don’t worry if they “top out” somewhere shy of marriage + mortgage + kids.

Outside Influence

• I’ve done a little dating now in this space, and the interactions I’ve had there have helped teach me about myself and what I value in a relationship.
• Kate now has a partner whom she has a loving relationship with.
  • She’s always been open and honest with me about that relationship and how it’s developed.
• I think he was a game changer–he demonstrated clearly to Kate what a relationship could look like with a much more compatible person, and she can’t go back.
• So, did he break up our marriage? I don’t think so. I think Kate already knew that our relationship wasn’t going to survive much longer.
  • I’ve read that it’s common for romantic relationships that need to end to drag out much longer than they should, because we cling to them.
    • I think all he did was to help bring our relationship to a swifter, merciful end.
• I’m happy for the two of them, and excited to see how they will help each other thrive!

Next Up…

• From here, I have written / plan to write about our journey in a chronological way. Some of the content is there, but I still have plenty to fill in.
  • The next post is about how we decided to become ENM.
• I’ve also skipped ahead, though, to share more about how our relationship ended, and that story picks up with this post.